I didn’t even know I had scoliosis. My gym teacher caught it in the eighth grade. He started rubbing my back under my shirt. Yeah, I thought he liked me. What was I supposed to think when someone’s telling you to bend over? I thought it was a sexual position. I was like, ‘Oh my God, we’re doing the scoliosis together. Am I still a virgin?’
I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses — just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.
You can’t have an honest fourth grade school teacher. ‘Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect.’
I was one of those kids that finished school early by dropping out.
Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: Because you get ate twice.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.
“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
“Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald’s on Friday night in Iowa?
I’d have my kids do a report on a famous black scientist. When you say that in the hood you get 35 hands like, ‘Can we do Dr. Dre?’
Girls should come with that little card. Remember you were at school you used to go to the library to check out a book? And that little card used to tell you how many people checked that book out. All I’m saying is: some girls come with two cards. She’s a bestseller.
My nephew’s school was celebrating President’s Day. He comes and he tells me, ‘My little black friend’s going to wear an Obama shirt, my little white friend’s going to wear a Kennedy shirt and since I’m Latino I don’t know what shirt to wear.’ So I made him a shirt that said: Coming Soon.
ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you’ll need to get rid of your syllabus… some killer hashish.
SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party’s over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage.
MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields.
THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling.
ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers.
Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: “Yeah, man.” — Sully, 20 “Amsterdam was… dude, I’m really hungry.” — Daphne Ocampo, 19
Now every idiot from high school’s like, ‘I’m back!’ We weren’t supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don’t want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody’s interested in you. I don’t want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
I love college girls. The only girls I date in college, though, are sorority girls. Why? Because they’re dumb. You can trick them so easy. ‘I’m your boyfriend.’ ‘Oh my God! Let’s have sex!’
I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it’s a top CIA secret. They’ll hand me my drink, and I’ll go, ‘Man, what the hell is in this?’ ‘Dude, don’t worry. Don’t ask, just drink it. I’ll see you in 20 minutes.’ Next thing you know, I’m buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat on.
I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist — and worse, she can prove it.
If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he’s ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can’t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: “If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10.”
- Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
- Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
- Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
- Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
- Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
- Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
- Good girls say, “Don’t… Stop…” Bad girls say, “Don’t Stop…”
I’ve always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.