You know how that is, the first time in a guy’s apartment? You don’t know what to expect, right? I go walking in, he’s got rows and rows of books — books everywhere — maps up on the walls, a whole folder of magazine article clippings. I’m like, ‘Oh sh*t, I’m dating a serial killer.’
I’ve got an apartment, and it’s a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, ‘You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.’ I was like, ‘Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? ‘Cause I got that goin’ on, too!’
With Obama, the thing is I gave him money, that’s what hurt. I believed in the dude so much that I donated to his campaign. Obama was basically the stripper that was like, ‘No fellas, this one really likes me.’
Have you ever been so broke you can’t believe it? You know that feeling? You find yourself saying, ‘H-h-hold on, hold on for a second — I have zero money? I don’t think that’s even legal.’
I can’t stand homeless people. I don’t feel bad about saying it. I don’t mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.
I think she thinks that I’m just, like, a neighbor storing her sh*t at her place.
Did jury duty recently and we were deliberating. It was 11 – 1 guilty, one a**hole was holding out for not guilty. If this guy didn’t change his vote we were all going to be sequestered at a hotel by the airport until we were unanimous. And I have to say for a while it was fun being that a**hole. I was like, ‘You guys don’t want to stay at a hotel? How good is your apartment?’
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
Joe asked God, “How much is a penny worth in heaven?”
God replied, “$1 million.”
Joe asked, “How long is a minute in heaven?”
God said, “One million years.”
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, “Sure, in a minute.”
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, “Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days.”
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Q: What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.
My mama was so cheap, she waited ’til after Christmas. ‘Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.’ She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.
Cats are cool because you don’t have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home — they’re yours. You ain’t never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re under there like, ‘Meow,’ and you be looking at them like, ‘Oh they’re so cute. Let’s go find one like that.’
Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, ‘Will work for food,’ some of them have what they want: ‘Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.’
My mom was the kind that’d send us to church but didn’t go… She’d give us scripture and didn’t even know it. She just made up books. “Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.’
Bar mitzvah was a good day in my life — made more money that day than I think I’ll ever make again.
A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, ‘What a shame, he died penniless.’ I don’t know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.
I’m happy any time I’m out of my apartment here in New York. Because, no matter what the season is, I have no control over the heat. Apparently, there’s two settings: off and Kenya. And ‘off’ is broken right now.
It is a great time to be broke, huh? Nobody blames you, it’s the economy. It’s not that you’re horrible with decisions and waste money constantly, dumbass — it’s the economy.