I saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was like, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’
Q: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
A: Drumsticks for everybody!
Q: What weighs 2,000 pounds and lays at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Moby’s d**k.
What do a bicycle, chicken, and frog have in common?
They all have handlebars! Except for the frog and chicken.
I was having sex with my girlfriend, doggy-style, and the cat and the dog were watching… I could’ve sworn I heard my dog say to my cat, ‘Pft, look at him. He ain’t even doing it right.’
You gotta feel bad for flies, though, huh? Lowly little thing on the totem pole. What happened when they were giving that out? Like lion: Lion, you will be king of the beasts and reign supreme over all other creatures. Fly: you will fly all around, and when you get tired, you will land on pooh.
Here’s what you do to get rid of spiders: go out, catch some flies, dip them into Tabasco sauce and flick them into the web.
My favorite owl is the snowy owl. This is my impression of the snowy owl: ‘Hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hoo! Hoo — f**k, it’s cold.’
Where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs?
Wherever you put it, dumbass.
I just wrote an article about the love I always have for my horse. It’s entitled, ‘I’m Stable; You Live in One.’
How Does a dummy kill a mole?
He buries it.
How do you catch a unique animal?
You ‘neak up on it.
I read a story about a dog that was in the same tornado as me. I felt bad for this dog, because the dog got picked up by the tornado and thrown 125 feet, and he survived when he landed in a tree. I felt bad for that dog because dogs don’t know anything about weather patterns, so for the rest of his life, that dog is gonna think he has superpowers.
One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they’re just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.
Snails are untrustworthy because they crawl around with their houses on their backs.
I am obsessed with dogs. I’m like, a dog pedophile.
Pit bull, that’s my dog of choice right there. I told my wife about it. I thought pit bulls had, pound for pound, the most crushing power in their jaws of any animal. She watches the Discovery Channel, told me that’s not true. No, the animal with the most crushing power? Brazilian land tortoise. Now that may or may not be true, but I’ve never looked at a turtle and thought, ‘We better get out of here.’
I miss having a pet. We’re not allowed to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, ‘Why don’t you get a cat?’ I’m like, ‘Why don’t I just start kissing dudes, too, alright? Why don’t I do that? Just go all the way with that one.’ You can’t be a single guy with a cat, alright? It just looks bad: you’re either gay or you’re a villain.
It’s the kind of dog that’s so small that it’s just shivering all the time. It could be 90 degrees out, but the dog’s just shivering because it’s so small, it couldn’t retain body heat in a microwave. What happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest? If the dog needs a sweater, it doesn’t deserve to live.
I like to sit around with my friends and of course the conversation always leads to, ‘What is the most philanthropic animal?’ A lot of people think it’s the dog because it helps blind people around. No, the dog’s trained to do that, doesn’t want to do that. Crickets are the most philanthropic. They let blind people know when it’s nighttime.