My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you — I hope she meets somebody nice.
Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.
My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, ‘Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I’m taken, and you don’t got to wear nothing?’ I told her, ‘Babe, I wear my sad face every day.’
I just broke up with my girlfriend ’cause I’m engaged now.
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they’ll say, ‘Oh, that’s Gladys’ work, ain’t it?’
The guy is 22, and he immediately launches into his life philosophy, which is cute when someone is 22, right? He’s like, ‘Here’s what I think about life. Here’s my big life plan.’ I was like, ‘You know what? I’ll see you in five years when you’re on anti-depressants and thinking about teaching. ‘
I wish we all had to describe ourselves in percentages of singleness because I think it would be so much more honest. ‘Cause then a guy could be like, ‘I’m 75% single because 10% of me is sleeping with my ex and 15%, frankly, that’s for my mom.’
I’m single now. And it’s really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I’ve just been cheating.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things — like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
He was really into family…He’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife..
I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, ‘You’re going to want to wear this. I’ve had a busy month.’
I walked in on him masturbating. He’s like, ‘Are you mad?’ I’m like, ‘Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy sh*t. Does it owe you money?’
I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
I think the thing to remember when you’re looking for true love is just keep your hopes up. ‘Cause you never know, you could round a corner and bump into Mr. You Might Do.
I was asked once. We actually set a date. I knew he wasn’t committed because he only penciled it in.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’