Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”
He replies, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, “How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?”
“No,” she replies, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, “Let’s hide in that barn, they’ll never find us.”
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, “Come out with your hands in the air!”
The red-head said, “Hide in those baskets, they’ll never find us!”
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: “RUFF.”
“It’s just a damn dog!” yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: “MEOW.”
“It’s just a damn cat,” yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, “POTATOES!”
I’m writing this slow ’cause I know youcan’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read inthe paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t beable to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numberswith them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since.
It only rained twice this week, threedays the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you,Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, andit said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby thismorning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if youare an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskeyvat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so hedrowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off thebridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. Thedriver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I willsend another one.
A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a diner and ordered an orange juice and a steak. The waitress brough a pitcher of orange juice and the man’s jaw dropped.The farmer said, “Pardon me, I ordered a glass of orange juice not a whole pitcher.”The waitress simply said, “Sir, this is Texas. Every thing is bigger.” So when the waitress brought the steak the farmer said, “Excuse me, I ordered a steak not the whole cow!” Again the waitress said, “This is Texas every thing is bigger.” After he finished he had to go to the bathroom so he asked the waitress were it was. She told him it was down the hall first door to the left. Just as he walked through the men’s room door he fell into a deep pool and screamed, “HELP, HELP! DON’T FLUSH!”
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what’s in the sack.
The first man says, “I got me some chickens for dinner tonight.”
The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.
“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the first redneck, “If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I’ll give them both to you.”
Two West Virginia hicks get married and spend their honeymoon in a local motel. Right before they consummate the marriage, the women says, “Be gentle, I’m a virgin.”
The man is visibly upset and storms off to his family’s home. He tells them what happened and his dad says, “If she isn’t good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn’t good enough for you!”
I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right — those poor cows. I’m thinking of starting the first annual ‘Take Back the Field’ rally. I’ve got some slogans for the cows, like, ‘Moo Means No!’ Or, ‘Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like pieces of meat!’
You know that show ‘Teen Mom’? Or if you’re from the South, ‘Mom.’
What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.
“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.
“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says “If you can count all my sheep I’ll let you have any one you want.” The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, “You have 356 sheep.” The farmer exclaims, “Wow — you’re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren’t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.”
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. “Oh no,” he says, “you can’t have that one.” “Why not?” asks the blonde, “you said I could have any sheep I wanted.” And the farmer says, “Ma’am, that’s my dog.”
It’s kind of ironic because, when you get right down to it, you guys need the South much more than we need New York. You know? You need milk. You need grains. We don’t need ‘Urinetown.’
If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
“Hold on there, Mister,” said the sheriff. “Did I just see what I think I saw?”
“Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.”
“And that cures them?” the Sheriff asked.
“Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, “Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”
“Damn fool, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”
The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”
The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!” The dog replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”
“Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, “Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”
The rancher replies, “Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”
“Well then, what’s the harm?”
“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.” The horse replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”
“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane. “He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”
The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, “Are those your sheep over there?”
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, “Listen — them sheep out there, they’re — they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”
Q: What is a double-wide salad?
A: It’s for people who can’t afford a house salad.
A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.
They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.
At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.
At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters’ legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, “This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can’t even count them.”
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.
I was in Denver, Colorado recently, just walking around the mountains by myself. It’s so beautiful to do that, just get in touch with nature and be by yourself. I’m by myself, and a little sound of rustling leaves or something — I turn around. Ten feet from where I’m standing, there’s a family of deer — just right there. There’s a mother, a father, two little baby deer. I thought, ‘Oh, I wish I had a gun.’